This week has been and keeps being challenging. I am finding it hard to not loop into self-judgement.
I feel drained and unmotivated and wonder how I am going to get enthusiasm, but I keep working on it, going through all the exercises to the best of my ability, trusting that I will get through the storm somehow, some day.
I feel like I have tried so many things and none has worked although I have really put in all my effort on it, and I have seen how most of the others that have gone through those programs with me have gotten amazing results so I cannot refrain from doubting that there must be something wrong with me.
I cannot see any future even desire one at the moment, only this big black cloud-wave rolling over me.
I keep loving meditation although I cannot stay absolutely still the whole time, and I am flooded with thoughts and meta-thoughts most of the time.
I also love the texts which give me hope and sometimes even a slight glimmer of enthusiasm while reading them.
Sometimes I sense I zoom out of the reading, like I read automatically and have to call myself back to the present of what I am reading.
I have been working on my DMP and incorporating into it the PPNs which I find helpful, and I sense that they start to awaken me to some logical thoughts about like if I need Recognition for Creative Expression, how am I going to get it if I don’t do anything that expresses precisely that.
And who do I need this recognition from. It could be just from me right? Am I even aware of what Creative Expression flows through me?
In regard to paying attention to rectangles and blue colors I am surprised that I do not notice them at all besides those in the cards and wonder how it is possible that I forget them absolutely all the time.
In conclusion I may say that I will get through the storm. I just do not know when or how.
I think sometimes we get so accustomed to our rain clouds that the potential for a positive unknown is somewhat alarming. Stick a pencil between your teeth when you read aloud, apparently it triggers all the muscles of a smile and your brain is activated as result! Also I say even if you don’t feel enthusiastic read with the enthusiasm all the same. We read our DMP of the things to come in the present tense. So do that with your enthusiasm!!
You deserve sunny days!
You will get through the storm. You may be drenched at times…. but keep going. I know how you feel.
Keep doing it Linda, this works!
Benjamin, nothing is wrong with you, one step at a time and everything will clear.
Oh my goodness….I was in the doctor’s office as a follow up after my 4 day hospital visit, I counted 8 blue rectangles…and on the way home I counted 5 more. I am not sure I would have even noticed them prior to our last sessions. We are re-training our minds. At least that is what I am doing.