Way out of My Comfort Zone

Hereby I want to share my thoughts, doubts and encountered dilemma in response to the content of webinar week 22.

For an extended period of time I have been living outside my comfort zone, without handles or roles that my ego wants to hold on to. Circumstances have taken away the few securities I was left with, and in exchange forced upon me a series of obligations as house rules, to adapt to certain standards of a specific community living.

These evolve around the acceptance of medical and sanitary in-house regulations and routines set by the national public health system which is largely based on pharmaceutical prescriptions to nearly all measurable values that extend above or fall below established health standards for every disease, ailment, pathology, infection, chronic malfunctioning of the in-house patients.

This system beholds the daily monitoring of everyone living under this roof, all with serious health issues and/or reduced mobility, centralised distribution of medication, measuring sugar levels, measuring weight, blood pressure, body temperature, communicating hospital appointments, preparing your weekly pill box, adapting your diet, providing painkillers.

There is no difference in support for those who have the Spanish nationality, or foreigners who are here without a residential permit, who have an illegal status, no social security. Both young and old get equal treatment.

You are in the hands of a social institution that provides shelter for those who were homeless and chronically ill.

And one day, during a zoom interview, I was classified into this category and afterwards accepted, transferred to this unknown city and given a bed in a shared room, after signing over papers that I would respect the above-mentioned medical house rules as well as the daily tasks and chores.

Before coming here I had started the Master Key Experience a few months earlier, while I was living in a roofless shed. While circumstances were bitterly hard, the privacy I then enjoyed were favourable to stick to the weekly exercises.

Once settled in here it was a matter of trying to hide from all the bustle of others, including the personnel, to create and hold some temporary personal space, and most often not finding it inside this sent me on long daily walks following the river out of the city, where I could speak out loud to myself, alone.

Now, after 4 months, my still weak health forces me too often into the seclusion of this shared bedroom. Here is where I work on becoming a self-directed thinker finding my truth, while having reached the abyss of death and rebirth, after the loss of most everything that I owned and loved to do.

But here is the catch: while I am learning to connect to my higher self, to not be a play-ball of my emotions, to have control over my thoughts, I do not connect with my direct environment and the people who surround me.

The shelter tests my patience with others, declares my prejudices unwanted and urges to show empathy towards all fellow-patients even when no respect is shown towards your private space.

It’s in this setting that I need to find my authentic self, but not feeling well physically makes one subject to unstable emotions that prevent you from shining and showing your true self.

This here is not the outside world where we play and act out on a role; here you are as your modest, naked and humble self, visible in pyjamas or in the sorry set of clothes you wear every day, when you are straight out of bed and having to wait in line for meds or a shower, or access to the kitchen.

This difficult stay here, with little or no perspective on an inviting exit strategy, or an independent temp housing solution elsewhere in the country, is my uncertain passage from one stage to another, whereas there is no deeply felt bliss, no miracles, no lucky coincidences but an uphill battle everyday.

I am seeking authentic connection but my energy does not vibrate with the energy held by all others, their personal difficulties, their frustration and anger, the central role that the TV is playing all day every day, the different languages spoken and different religions held belief, the tension within a group you can’t belong to because of your own experiences, your past, culture, nationality and your awareness.

It’s only self-chosen isolation that permits me to continue with the Master Key Experience towards its final part. My social behaviour falls short and judgment thereupon cannot be avoided. 

Is it here that my light shines? Honestly I don’t know. I truly help where I can, quickly and in silence, especially to make things flow easier given so many mobility issues on a small surface, and people not understanding a lot of things.

But my deeper self doesn’t respond to a calling that manifests in an environment’s previously unknown. There is empathy but not a nurse in me who jumps onto this occasion, I feel no calling from deep within.

And the creative warrior that I considered myself to be my true identity, is not heard or understood here.

What can I offer else than my humble, introverted and uncertain self? How can I be of service there where your colleagues opt for the professional help they are offered, apart from daily greetings and “enjoy your meal”?

My heart is neither saying yes or no, and success as being the ability to fulfill my desires effortlessly, still remains nearly palpably absent.

Where is the ability for growth as being one of the 7 spiritual laws, to show my infinite creativity in a situation that often feels like being a bed-bound prisoner?

When our true essence incorporates unlimited possibilities, unlimited creativity and boundless connections, why can’t I explain the ability to think as the ability to act upon this universal substance?

Is it because of the social implication that you find yourself confronted with, the role of a powerless victim, residing in a protective home for outlaws and outcasts, grouped individuals who either lost it all or tried their luck elsewhere as economical refugee?

I keep believing in myself but the suffering seems drawn up in chapters and instead of a turnaround there is always another chapter that has to be lived to become my reality.

With the passing of time it seems that my options decrease. Finding my spiritual home as well as my social home-base require that I know beyond a doubt who I truly am, what my essential nature is, my potential.

For half a year I felt the strongest desire to realise my definite purpose in life, yet manifestation of the smallest solution to an every day problem asks ten times as much effort, conviction and collaboration than from an average citizen with his or her established role in society: you are stigmatised as not very relevant, and neither are your problems.

It’s worse: because of your socially weak position you have become an easy target for scammers, phishers and entities with illegal practice. If there is no separation of your true self and your field of energy, how can you become so detached under current circumstances that your entire life seems to belong to somebody who isn’t here anymore?

If you don’t see a way to express your true self to a receptive environment, while your internal point of reference remains your own spirit and not the objects of your experience, who do you turn to BUT yourself?

If separation is an illusion, while living under clearly limiting circumstances is backdrop of your role as a voiceless victim, whose power is taken away as a condition to integrate in a social structure that provides for you with fragmented solutions on their terms, why does it paralyse me when I imagine a better life could be out there?

Because I left my comfort zone already a long time ago?

I have shown courage. I still believe in myself. I always keep my promises. But now I need a ladder to first climb out and then up towards a dreamed reality with expanse and horizon. Towards a painless truth.