Under Construction

Having lived as a depressed person for so many years, I really try to minimize my exposure to things that make me sad, that are negative or frankly just depressing.

The new scroll for this month is hard for me to read. Just when I’m learning to be self-directed, spontaneous and feeling excited about my life and when I can create, I’m faced with reading this scroll every day. It’s not been easy.

The understanding I’m beginning to gain is that most of my life has been spent feeling this is the last day or that something bad will happen if I get too happy. When things go well, something is bound to go wrong has always been that little voice in the back of my mind. That can really hold you back and tamp down any joy in your life.

Being aware of time, how short it is and how quickly it passes really set in for me when I was 12 and first became depressed.

I was painfully aware, while my classmates were dying to get older and grow up, that someday I would look back and have regrets about not having savored every moment of being younger. You would think this would’ve made me more joyful during that time, but it did not.

I had an incredibly old soul view of time when I was 12 years old.

I’m frankly having more fun now more than 50 years later. I largely resolved my depression with changes in my diet and lifestyle habits which has given me a new life.

Today we’re heading up to Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire for a few days. I decided very quickly a couple of weeks ago to do this. This is not like me. My two recent words in the Franklin exercise have been “decisiveness” and “taking initiative”.

I repeat that this is not like me to do something spontaneously, but I simply felt I needed to be somewhere else for a few days, so we’re going.

A challenge that threatens to pull me back into my old way of thinking of what could go wrong is that we’re predicted to have a snow and ice storm starting any minute that will make travel at best a bit sketchy.

I’m using the Law of Substitution, and whenever a negative thought pops into my head. I simply repeat my mantra “I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy”.

It’s amazing to me the effect repeating that sentence has on me and the relief it gives me when dark thoughts threaten my mood, my day and my life.

Another realization I have is that I will allow myself to eat more widely while I’m away for three days. That means I’ll need to tighten up when I get back to avoid sinking into depression again. I know the feelings and I know I can do it, so I am out of here today.

My Lambies have their trusted Sheep Sitter all lined up. I will miss them, and I will be thrilled to see them when I get home.

MKE is giving me the ability to put the fractured pieces of my life in their proper place in the puzzle of me. That may sound like an odd thing to say or to try to figure out, but it makes sense to me in both the words and the pictures it creates.

See more about what I have learned in my Master Key Experience by clicking here.