The week that was… it has been a blur… filled with an insidious dye of resistance that somehow just kept spreading.
I am questioning my DMP – it simply does not feel right. And I have not yet found my way into a new habit of using the index cards and the symbols. And this bothers me a lot because I have made a promise and I am not yet fulfilling this promise.
And I want to sleep. All the time.
‘Consistency’ seems like a foreign concept and my Mind and my Body appear to not be on speaking terms… scarcely aware of each other’s existence… busy with their own concerns in their separate universes. There is not a jot of collaboration.
I have done some inner work to explore and heal these dynamics.
Once again, I feel deeply shocked and frozen and numbed by confronting the Cement. This Cement is not some smooth covering that I can simply shake off… and watch it shatter to dust at my feet. Rather, it seems to have deep roots and tendrils everywhere.
The most startling aspect of the Cement is the ways in which I have collaborated with it – and my resistance to removing it.
The process continues.
Currently, I feel dazed.
Empty. Hollow.
Is there a Centre breathing somewhere under the Cement covering? And a Heart beating?
Could survival like this be possible?
Who could possibly know, for sure?
Thank you Sharon. I feel this way too.
Your exactly right the cement is tough to remove but your on the right track stay with it and you see it less and less.
Fantastic observations regarding the cement, your DMP and the index cards! Being the observer can be a real eye opener when we choose to focus on the world within.
Thank you very much for your understanding and encouragement, Georgia. The strategy of one minute, one hour and one day at time resonates with me … and each one of these offers an opportunity to choose. Your message reminds me that I can make better choices – and my behaviour most definitely needs a complete overhaul and restructuring … and no-one can do my push-ups for me. I also cannot do it all in one day – even though I want to! Something I realise I can do this week is to take very good care of planning OATS. Thank you again for writing. Your message has made a big difference for me.
I look out for your footsteps on the road unfolding as we commit and recommit, tiny minute by tiny minute.
Hi Sharon, please know that you are not alone in your struggles! I believe these programs are created divinely just for folks who have come this far in our lives and we now recognize that our behavior needs modifying, sometimes a lot! In my case, a lot! You are on the right track Sharon, just one day at a time, to the win! I’ve told myself that many times because in the past I’ve allowed myself to quit when things got hard and I am determined that here and now, I am not going to quit!! And I don’t want you to quit either, we have to just put one foot in front of the other, just one minute, one hour, one day at a time:)