As I listened to the webinar and read all the material we were given, I found myself shrouded in guilt, regret and shame. I observed the dualistic reactions within of wanting to criticize, minimize the importance as well as feeling the tremendous gratitude for this process and all that has gone into preparing for us and the value of the content.
This, being a familiar experience of recent, I decided to stay as an observer of my inner experience instead of being a participant in it.
As I observed, I realized the deep shame and regret I felt and still feel. The shame and regret of having lost the practices and discipline and focus I once had. I could feel the weight of guilt weighing upon my shoulders, my jaw bones, my stomach- the heaviness of “I am supposed to be a master of all of this already. I am not supposed to need this type training or community, certainly not as a participant”. The inner voice had a clear message on this.
I am aware of the source of this message. But knowing that isn’t enough because the intense feelings overpower the value of that awareness.
When I scrolled through the pictures and saw the one I picked, I immediately burst into tears because it so accurately depicted how I felt internally. Who is pointing the fingers? It is all the rules and standards I once lived by since childhood. The child represents that period of time when I was introduced to and started the spiritual mental practices.
And as much I loved them for as long as I practiced them, there came a time when they became a source of internal judgment and criticism. All the fingers were my internal fingers borne of external rules and expectations. As I read scroll 1 that talks about the pointlessness of experience, the tears just flow.
I have committed once again and this time, I give myself the permission to receive the benefit of being in a community of humans that support this commitment. I will see this through and be humbly open to its rewards. It is ok to receive from others. It is ok to not know. It is ok to have “failed” and this is an opportunity, though contrary to my previous standards, to reclaim my inner resources and powers.
Today, I am born anew, I shed my old skin of suffering and mediocrity. Failure is no longer my reward for struggle, failure like pain is alien to my life, I am a vessel of new and good habits! (Paraphrased from “The greatest salesman by Og Mandino pages 51, 52, 56)
Humbly, Sharda
I absolutely love this blog, your vulnerability, your exposing yourself! I just want to Hug you!
Hello Sharda, your post touched my heart as it will touch the heart of all those who will read it. The reason is probably because your are summarizing the struggle of all human beings when it comes to knowing something versus experiencing that same thing we know. You did the right move by putting yourself in the shoes of your Observer and your determination to create new good habits is the key of your coming new live! Congratulations!!
Big Hugs to you Sharda, I’m so happy you are here allowing yourself to shed and create! Thank you for sharing and I look forward to your journey in your blogs.