It really does seem that often “we are our own worst enemies”. What is it about us that makes us fear our own power and strength? What is it that makes us do just enough to get and make us feel good that we are doing something but it’s not exactly enough to make the real changes that should be occurring?

Is it conditioning? Is it that they have done such a great job on us that we naturally fall into our usual way of doing things and are unable to get out of that rut? I’d like to think that it’s not true.

I’d like to think that I don’t just end up picking up my phone 50 begillion times a day due to habit. I need for work. They might be trying to get hold of me…I’m just checking in case someone has messaged…I just need a little break from what I’m doing.

Really however I know it is true, I know that I’m wasting time, I know that there are much better, more useful things that I can be doing and still I’m scrolling.

I think it’s funny how one can have an awareness of something and yet still continue with the same habit. It’s not that you don’t know that an alternative will be better, I guess it’s just that the alternative is not as easy to do.

Why fight against the current to get to some unknown place upstream when you can just float and let the current wash you downstream? Why fight?

I often ask myself this when I’m coaxing myself to get out of bed at 4:15 in the morning, having had a terrible night with the two year old practicing her sleep gymnastics in the bed -hand in my face, foot in my face. head on my face.

I ask myself as I’m struggle to keep my eyes open half way through the day. I ask myself as I fight not to fall asleep with said two year old so I can then fight to do my sit at the end of the day.

Fighting to work against the current, to get on and do what is hard seems to be the only thing that is really viable to me because this is how I feel alive.

The only time I really feel alive, really feel like I exist is when I am working on myself, when I am really aware of my existence. The awareness of that extreme latent power within will keep me pushing. Yes I believe I’m scared to unleash it but I feel like I’m even more afraid not to.