Granting Myself Permission to Be Happy After Decades of Emotional Baggage

Each week, I make an effort to review the week’s preview before the Sunday webinar. It gives me a sense of the focus for the upcoming week. Still, I’m often surprised by the layers of meaning that emerge as I listen to Mark, Davene, Lori, the other coaches, or my fellow Master Key Experience (MKE) teammates.

This week, I found myself reflecting deeply on my Definite Major Purpose (DMP). I know—like I truly know—the object of my major desires. As I move closer to attaining my DMP, I see how it aligns with my Personal Pivotal Needs (PPNs): helping others and true health. Interestingly, I’ve also realised that some of the PPNs I didn’t specifically choose will naturally be fulfilled as well.

A significant event this week brought up some uncomfortable truths. A close family member received another national award for her service. Instead of feeling pride or joy, I melted into judgment rather than offering praise.

This person is undeniably talented and works hard for her accolades. Yet, I judge her as someone who seeks the limelight at any cost—manipulative and mean-spirited in her pursuit of recognition.

When the moment came to offer congratulations or acknowledge her achievement, I stayed silent. Not because I intended to, but because something within me still harbors resentment.

I’ve resented her for her controlling, star-girl personality, which she seems to use to gain visibility and manipulate others. If I ever decline one of her ideas, I feel an intense wave of hostility and ill will directed toward me.

But as I reflected deeper, I began to question myself:

Am I allowing her actions and personality to dictate my emotions?
Am I making my life and choices dependent on her behavior?

The answer startled me.

For nearly 70 years, I’ve used her as a reference point to generate oppositional, unhappy neuropeptides. I’ve unknowingly given her control over my happiness. I’ve held back from granting myself permission to feel joy, constantly on guard as long as she’s part of my life.

This week, I spent significant time consciously reaching for alternate feelings, substituting the negative thoughts that arise about her with more constructive ones.

As an introvert, I’ve always considered certain emotions too deeply personal to process or articulate. But the MKE program has been gently encouraging me to confront the places inside that scare me—and to discover new paths toward healing and resolution.

One of those paths is my ritual for forgiveness and peacemaking. It’s time to engage in it with this person as the object.

Layer by layer, I will remove everything that stands in the way of my DMP. My purpose is too important to let unresolved emotions hold me back. I can—and I will—make it happen.