I think most of us start our lives with a pretty clean slate, but almost as soon as we begin to try to fit in with the world around us our personal canvases get painted with expectations, stories, and influences. We learn how to “fit in,” adapt to social norms, and respond to stimuli often without ever questioning if these patterns truly serve our authentic selves.

Over time, it’s easy to lose sight of our own voice—our truest essence—and instead, we become reactive extensions of external programming: family conditioning, social expectations, cultural beliefs, and personal fears.

Here is how these learned behaviors and reactive patterns developed for me, and more importantly, how I am working to break free from them. By recognizing our own conditioned self, we can step into a life of greater authenticity and consciousness—one that you and I actively create rather than merely react to.

From my earliest moments, I learned the model of “acceptable” behavior. My parents were awesome, and always encouraged me to be more, but also they showed me what “success” looked like and definitely encouraged specific careers and a specific lifestyle. My peers were basically living the same life and it led me to adopt certain social habits.

As I got older my peer group turned into my work group (military) and that society gave me a very narrow definition of success. All of these expectations took deep root, shaping how I see myself and my place in the world.

Over time, I have definitely seen repeated messages become ingrained as core beliefs. Telling myself “that my worth is based on my performance”, or that “I am not quite doing good enough” has certainly led to negative mental loops.

Likewise, societal norms such as “I must always be busy” or “I need to appear a certain way” become unconscious reflexive self talk. We carry these internal narratives without question, which, in turn, inform our choices and shape our day-to-day experiences.

Because these beliefs form our internal operating systems, we often don’t realize we’re operating on autopilot. When someone criticizes us, perhaps we instantly become defensive, or if we see something that challenges our beliefs, we shut down emotionally.

I have certainly become aware now how those automatic reactions block deeper self-awareness and prevent us from responding in more conscious, empowered ways.

Constantly trying to meet external expectations can create significant stress, especially as we all find ourselves juggling multiple roles—friend, parent, husband, boss, employee—striving to please everyone but feeling depleted in the process. This stress can lead to anxiety, a racing mind, and a perpetual sense of “not being enough.”

Here is what I am noticing more today than ever before, when living by external scripts, we risk losing touch with our personal dreams, values, and passions. We may forget what truly lights us up. Without a genuine sense of self, even our happiest moments can feel hollow because we’re not in alignment with who we are at our core.

Something else, operating in “reactive mode” can keep us from exploring uncharted pathways. Rather than trying new hobbies, career directions, or creative pursuits, we default to perceived safety. This can hold us back from growth opportunities, potentially leaving us with regret or wonder at what might have been.

So, how do we cultivate self-awareness, what is perhaps the important first step to transformation? Start by paying attention to your thoughts, emotions, and body language. When you feel a pang of resistance or anxiety, ask yourself: “Is this response based on a deeply held truth, or is it a reaction rooted in fear or conditioning?”

I am also seeing that blogging, meditation, and mindfulness practices are helpful to me as a way to stop to listen and see what patterns have been driving my behavior. I also see that many beliefs are absorbed unconsciously. Identifying them and consciously asking, “Is this really true?” can help to loosen their grip.

For example, if you believe you’re “not good enough” to pursue a certain ambition, challenge it. Ask yourself, what evidence do I have for or against this_ By questioning your old stories, you open the door for more self-compassion and change.

Changing long-held patterns can feel uncomfortable. Understand that these moments of discomfort signal growth. Just like muscles in the body require stress (exercise) to get stronger, our mind and spirit grow through pushing beyond our comfort zones.

As you figure out how to quiet your mind, celebrate small victories along the way, and remind yourself that each step is a part of a greater awakening. Shift from unconscious, reactive living to purposeful, intentional habits. For instance, rather than scrolling through social media first thing in the morning, commit to some new affirmations and quiet reflection.

Choose daily rituals that reinforce self-awareness and self-love. Over time, I am seeing that these positive routines do indeed replace old, unwanted blueprints that have been guiding us where we don’t want to go anymore.

Sometimes, the best way to break out of the conditioned self is to find guidance or a support system. I used to think that therapists, coaches, mentors, or supportive communities were only for people with issues.

What I see now, is that we all have some “issues” and many times we don’t know what we don’t know…. Others help us to recognize and navigate the blind spots we might not see on our own.

There is so much that can be written about, and stepping away from social conditioning doesn’t mean ignoring all societal norms or shunning community. Rather, it involves living from a centered space of discernment—knowing why you choose certain paths and beliefs instead of blindly adopting them.

Lastly, I am also seeing that change doesn’t happen overnight, but every conscious moment of self-awareness is a step toward freedom. So, if you have not started yet, get inside your mind and get after it! I think that like me, over time, you’ll notice a shift: you’ll catch yourself choosing your responses rather than reacting on autopilot.

You’ll recognize your triggers and respond with curiosity and compassion instead of fear. And slowly, you’ll free yourself from the shackles of social, reactive conditioning. I think that we are allowed to outgrow old ideas and identities.

I am finding that embracing the journey of unlearning is a powerful process of releasing the layers that no longer serve me and stepping into the self I would rather be is a worthy effort! I hope you chase that for yourself too!