Becoming the Butterfly

As I delve into MKE week 10 there were a few lessons. Og Mandino script 3 was about persistence pushing through, never knowing when we will arrive, just around the next corner, but never giving up. With persistence success is inevitable.

Being a Red personality and driven so much so that I had learned over the years to tune out the necessities of my body, water, food, sleep, relaxation. I had been in survival my entire life. My body didn’t know anything else.

After attending my son’s destination wedding and pushing my body, what would be normal for the average 59-year-old women, my body was tired. It had never known anything but living in the fight or flight mode, survival basic instincts.

Being extremely sensitive to outer stimulus of people, sounds, energies, the environment, my subconscious mind would step up into hyperdrive.

After all the stimulus of a being in a foreign country, surrounded by strangers, or family that had become strangers over the years, speaking a foreign language, all the typical survival protections kicked into high gear.

Fast forward to this. I have finally finished the week vacation that was anything but a vacation, my body was screaming to be in a safe familiar environment, which I was familiar with and could control.

After landing back into Toronto and making my way with my luggage by bus and train, I opened the door, dropped my large luggage and bags, and headed straight to my sanctuary, my bedroom.

I was exhausted and my body was beyond exhaustion. I just wanted sleep, much needed sleep but my body was vibrating, shaking. It had been overstimulated and my nervous system was in hyperdrive. It took days to settle enough to get a couple of hours sleep here and there.

By the following Tuesday I found myself running a fever, coughing so hard I continued to throw up day and night. My body was purging. Purging all the buried emotions that were hidden so deep, I had been disconnected from myself, my thoughts and the deep fears within.

My head throbbed; it was similar to a feeling I remember having when I had a stroke many years before. I was in constant pain and on my own. Not trusting our medical system which had failed to help me over the near 6 decades of my life, deep in contemplation I did the only thing I could do, was surrender.

I realized I had been pushing myself and my body beyond it’s limits and I could push it no longer. I collapsed. I had to surrender, acknowledge my journey, not give up, but give into what my body was scream at and I just ignored it for decades.

To surrender, to just be, to give myself the time and space to grieve all the parts of me. The little girl that was never given the chance to be a little girl. That lived in shear terror her entire life at the hands of a very abusive family member before the age of one.

Having to bury the fear, so deep, that even I did not know the depth of fear that I had lived with my entire life. I was the oldest of 4 and from a very young age helped take care of my siblings when my mother wasn’t there.

My mother started having an affair when I was only 9 years old. I remember going to a barbeque with my parents and knowing and feeling things that most would not be aware of. I knew without any proof my mother was having an affair with my father’s best friend.

Innocent enough I went and told my father, who got angry with me and was in disbelief. I remember the next time I saw my granny, my father’s mother and told her, she knew, she understood and made a point of confronting my father with the knowledge.

You see my intuition; psychic abilities are very strong on my father’s side of the family.

Anyways, once my granny had a long talk with my father, he came to his senses and confronted my mother. The truth was out there, and I was to blame. There was extreme violence, anger, rage and what was a bad situation only got worse.

My survival over the years had taught me not to show my emotions and not allow my fear to be seen, so I buried it so deep, I was not aware when I was terrified. All of these emotions came bubbling to the surface while away at my son’s wedding.

Again, now back and my apartment and having survived the journey back home, I finally had to acknowledge that my body was trying to repair itself and I could push it no further. I just needed to be.

I could not push my reading, do my Master Key Experience (MKE), it was beyond my ability to do so. I felt I could go to the hospital, but the thought of going there was even more terrifying with both asthma and COPD and all the hype again about Covid-19.

I wasn’t taking any chances of going into the hospital and subjecting myself to any test, to get a label of Covid-19 when it was asthma, COPD and possibly pneumonia. I have had pneumonia so many times and several times it was severe, life threatening.

So, this past week, was about self care, self love and just being. Being the caterpillar that just built its own cocoon, stepped inside and surrendered to the process. The process of allowing the emotions, memories, feelings and energies to bubble to the surface, to allow the body to purge, the fever to rage on, and let my body rest.

Drinking salt water to cleanse and purify my body of the all the emotional baggage I had carried around for nearly 60 years.

With new found knowledge and really understanding at a deeper level how our thoughts create our reality and wanting something to distract me, comfort me and help me grieve, me, the parts of me that were lost, the parts that I never knew.

I scrolled through the TV, which I never watch. I don’t even pay for television and haven’t for many decades. That’s a whole other topic. Anyways I came upon the Hallmark station. It was love stories, stories about peoples’ journeys of self discovery, nature and love. Wow! Love and more love stories.

This goes to the heart of Og Mandino’s chapter 2 theme, that if we have love and no other skills we can succeed.

So, watching love story after love story, watching stories around nature, the bald eagle, stories about waterfalls and the magic of waterfalls, I soothed my soul, feeding myself love, the feeling of love, allowing the grief and feelings of loss to bubble to the surface to pour out of me.

To purge from my body the trapped fear, anger and extreme terror that had been held so deep within that I was socked at myself and my behavior when I was in Mexico. But all of this needed to come to the surface to my awareness in order to heal.

To purge these energies, release them and no longer allow them to influence or dictate silently from the shadows my future.

I know what I want in life, and I know exactly what I don’t want, but I did not know how deeply buried fear and terror were within my body.

For a few months now, since just before starting MKE I have had a very difficult time breathing, coughing and throwing up constantly, losing my voice, not being able to swallow etc. Upon reflection my body was talking to me, and I wasn’t listening.

Being the observer of ourselves, especially the parts of self that is terrifying is something that I have tried to avoid at all costs, especially at the cost of my physical well-being.

So, this week has been all about being the observer of myself, being the caterpillar in the cocoon, being in my safe haven and allowing myself the time and space to just be. NO PUSHING MYSELF. NO GOALS, NO AGENDAS AND NOT WORRYING IF I DID MY MKE.

It was giving me permission to do what I needed to do for myself and honouring the process. Letting go, letting God, acknowledging my body as part of me not separate but part of me. Wow!

I never would acknowledge basic needs, disconnected so much that, I had decided to fast to heal. A few years ago I ended up going 21 days without food, but I didn’t stop there. I did a cycle of it.

Eat lightly for a few days, back on the water diet, just water fast. Eat lightly for a few days and then another 10 – 21 days of just water. I ended up over 120 days of just water and stopped counting.

I felt better when I was doing it and my body was resting from having to digest food, my senses became very attuned and spiritual gifts were wide open and extremely sensitive, but it was only a temporary fix.

So, for the present moment, I am feeling that being in this state of the cocoon is a necessary phase, before emerging as the butterfly I truly am. Honouring the process and being okay with where I am at the current moment, is perfect and that’s okay too.

I am learning to love myself, moment by moment, thought by thought. Taking each step as it comes and not letting my thoughts get ahead of myself or overwhelm myself. Embracing the moment.

Embracing the beauty. It is like the beautiful fall colours in full bloom, just before the leaves are about to fall and go into winter, which is a necessary step before we see the new, the spring and new growth.

I’m embracing me, all of me and allowing the process to unfold. Loving me for who I am, having the courage to persist, keep going even when, I was aching inside, the pain was beyond one’s imagination but taking each day, each step one step, one day at a time.

Please join me next week, as we move forward in MKE week 11. Embracing the journey of becoming the beautiful butterfly God created, and loving the butterfly I am!